How to Make Differences Work

Well, the first thing to think about is that differences are good for us. Because if we’ve married someone who is exactly the same we would be missing out on a large part of life. We can’t be that arrogant to think that our way of looking at things is the only way of looking at things. Of course, we are looking at things from our perspective. Our spouses are looking at things from another perspective. It’s actually both of our perspectives together which enable us to see a fuller picture, a clearer picture, a sharper picture of what is going on around us. And so, when our spouses express differences of opinion, we should be humble enough to sit down and take them seriously and appreciate the fact that somebody is pointing out to us something about life that we may be missing.

The second thing to tell yourself, when you’re sure that your spouse’s perspective is not going to contribute to a broad understanding of the world but rather to just contribute to a frustrating experience together, or so you think, is to do a little homework. Take some time off and sit down, take a piece of paper and a pen and make a list of your spouse’s virtues. Think back to yourself, why did you marry them? What was it that you saw in them? Make a list of virtues and write them down and read them to yourself, and read them over again and over again, and focus on them. Because like we mentioned in the first part of this class, if you’re going to focus on the parts of the personality that you don’t like, you’re not being fair to the parts of the personality that you do like. God’s gift to man, in a sense, is that we can only think about one thing at a time. If you’re focusing on the good parts of a person’s personality, you’re not going to be thinking about the negative parts of the personality. Your emotional attitude is going to change based on where your thoughts are. And so making a list of virtues is something that everybody should do. You should keep it in your wallet or in your purse and read it over when you start to focus on the negative traits that your spouse may have.

Suggestion number two. Realize that your spouse’s weaknesses are opportunities for your own growth. Your spouse’s weaknesses are opportunities that give you a chance to give; that give you a chance to care; they give you a chance to build the kind of relationship of love that you really want. Loving another person in the sense of caring for them selflessly is one of the greatest pleasures that man can have. Try it and you’ll see that I’m right.

You mentioned before that men and women are inherently different. Were the ideas that you suggested geared in particular for men or women? Perhaps you

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