to realize that you and another person are compatible until you actually start to date them. Instead of trying to look for certain personality traits, we suggest that you ask your network to focus on finding someone who wants the same general things from life that you do. Your lives should move in the same general direction. The two of you don't have to share all of the same passions or interests. In fact in most marriages, husbands and wives have many different hobbies, different interests, and even different circles of friends. They have a few things in common but frankly, they don't have to both like sports; they don't have to both like the same kind of music in order to have a good life together. Please don't make the mistake of focusing so much on sharing a hobby or having similar visions of romance in order to find a suitable person. When people come up to me and say that they want someone who likes to walk on the beach, I laugh, because I also like to walk on the beach. However, since my husband and I have been married, we've maybe done this two or three times. It's a much better idea to identify the values that are important to you and to identify your personal long-term and short-term goals. You may have to spend some time thinking about this because frankly, most of us run our lives on auto-pilot and we don't do a lot of thought in this direction. I suggest that you sit down with a pad and a pen and imagine what you would like your life to be like in six months, in a year, and in five years. There are people who tell us — This is too hard. I can't figure out what I want tomorrow for breakfast. Why are you asking me to map out my life for the next few years? — Frankly, if you're really serious about finding someone whom you can build an enduring relationship with, you have to do this. You have to know what you really want. I suggest that you think in terms of education, career, spouse, children, spirituality, community involvement, creative expression, the kind of lifestyle you want, the kind of economic expectations that you have. I can think of some other categories as well. Before anything else, try to look for someone whose hopes and expectations are compatible with your own. You will do yourself a tremendous favor because ultimately, this will be the type of person you will want to build a life with.

Alright. Let's say we've got past all these preliminaries and we've been set up on a first or a blind date. From your experience, what can you tell us to help avoid the usual mistakes that can so easily turn a blind date into a nightmare?

Exploding the Myths

Myth #1: