Proper Proposals

One Orthodox Jew once pointed out to me that they believe that the first woman, Eve, was taken from Adam's rib and, in one passage in their traditional book, The Talmud, it says that because the woman came from the man, so the man pursues her to find this lost piece of himself. And from here they learn that it's important for a man to pursue a woman. Now during the dating process, a woman should allow herself to be pursued. And she has to be aware that if she pursues the man, because of men's natures, she risks scaring him away. When it comes time for popping the question, the man should pop the question, not the woman. And although she wants to get married, all she can really do is create an environment in which he will want to get married so badly that he will ask the question. Again, the risk is that if she pops the question, so to speak, if she says — Hey, let's get married — she could frighten him away.

When he does pop the question, so it's important that he be a man about it. That is, he should say — I really want you to be my wife, will you marry me? — or whatever language he would like to use, but it should be obvious to the woman that the decision is entirely in his hands. I've counseled people before where the marriage started off with him saying — I'd really like to marry you as long as my parents approve. — This is a tremendous turn-off to the woman. Even if it's true that because of whatever traditional values he possesses he doesn't want to marry her until his parents approve, but that's not something that you say to the woman. It has to be that he gives her the impression that it's all in his hands, and he certainly shouldn't ask her to marry him until she has cleared whatever criteria need to be cleared in order for him to pop the question.

The man and the woman need to be aware that at the time that he pops the question, it is a good time to discuss when the marriage will take place and come to a conclusion. Again, because there is so much panic about getting married, there is so much lack of commitment today, if you miss this valuable window of opportunity to set a date, the date might not get set. So when he says — Will you marry me? — he should say — Will you marry me, maybe in November? — and if he fails to specify, she should say, if she's interested — I do, I would love to marry you. When should we get married? When would be a good time? Maybe in November? — And they should start discussing the issue.