Get The Ring: How to Find & Keep the Right One for Life.
Dov Heller - Part 3
The way you’ve presented it, humility definitely is a powerful quality. But honestly, are there real people out there in the dating market who display all of those qualities of humility that you just listed?
When I talk about these particular character traits, please don’t think — Well, if I can’t find someone who is perfect in these traits then they’re not marriageable. That’s unrealistic. Nobody’s perfect. But you have to be satisfied that you’ve done your homework and you’ve really done a thorough evaluation of the person’s character. Do not get caught up in the chemistry. Look into the character. I can’t overemphasize this enough.
KindnessA second character trait, again, just to give you an idea of how to focus into a person in a specific way, would be kindness. So you can ask yourself — Is this person kind? And then at least ask yourself — Is this person cruel? Now it’s funny, because you ask most people that are getting married if the person they’re marrying is a kind person, most of them would say yes. And the divorce rate, we know, is quite high. It’s above 50% now. In Judaism we say that if you really have two people who are truly kind it’s virtually impossible that they would be divorced. Why is that so? Because kindness means that you’re a giver. What’s a giver? A giver is someone who is committed to giving someone pleasure and minimizing pain. That’s what a giver is. So it seems quite obvious that if you have two people who are true givers, who are really committed to giving the other person pleasure, is there any possibility that they’re going to have serious problems in their relationship, that they’re going to get divorced? No. What I conclude is that although people think that they’re kind, in truth they lack a depth of kindness. So how do you know if someone is truly a kind person?
Well, let me give you some ways of analyzing that. I would look at how they treat people in their family, their siblings, their parents. A colleague of mine often points out, to see how much gratitude they have toward their parents. Because he points out and I think quite rightly, that if a person doesn’t have gratitude for all that their parents do, what makes you think they’ll have gratitude for what you do for them, because as a spouse you’ll never do nearly as much as their parents did for them. So if they don’t have gratitude and proper respect for their parents, there’s a good possibility that they won’t have that for you when you’re married. See how they treat little people. I mean the people they don’t have to be kind to, waiters, busboys, secretaries. Boy, if I were dating somebody and they were an employer and had people working for them, I would love to be in their office and watch how they treat people. I would find out about their reputation in business. And, in a subtle yet clear way, try to find out their reputation. Are they nice? Are they mean? Are they high-pressured?
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