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Finding Your Soul Mate on Facebook

Finding Your Soul Mate on Facebook

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Although officially Facebook is not an online dating site, many consider it to be one in disguise. Thousands of people looking for romance click on other's profiles to see if they're cute, or if they have similar interests that might spark a relationship. As one senior wrote, "Before, the point when a relationship went from casual to serious was meeting the parents. Now it's announcing your relationship on your Facebook profile." Another senior writes that that the most painful part of a breakup is when you click on your ex's profile and see that he/she has changed their entry in the Relationship status to "single".

I can hear lots of you saying, "So? What's wrong with that?"

The answer is, plenty. And although even I think that it's way too late to put the Facebook dating genie back in the bottle, there are some things to think about that should make you go hmm when you consider developing a serious relationship via Facebook.

Most people decide that someone on Facebook interests them because of their profile. What exactly does the Facebook profile tell you? Well, it tells you the person's university, their major, their age, their hobbies and interests, favorite movie, books, music, etc. And lots of people think that common profile elements are a strong reason to begin cultivating a relationship.


That means that, when you go out with your Facebook date, you feel as though you already know them. You have lots to talk about, because you have common interests. The relationship develops more and more and you become deeply involved, to the point where you begin to think you might actually have found your real, true soul mate.

Just one problem: You don't know very much about this person.

You know that you have common interests, hobbies, likes and dislikes. But a deep, lifelong relationship cannot be based on the fact that you both love Fall Out Boy, your favorite novel is The Firm and you've both seen The Titanic 15 times. It's not enough to know that you both enjoy foosball and love mango flavored ice cream. There are other, deeper and far more fundamental issues that you need to explore before you can make any kind of long-term decisions.


So how do you figure out if the person you're dating is really the right one for you? It's actually somewhat easier than you think. There are four deal-breakers, four non-negotiable factors in finding your soul mate. If you can find someone with all four, it's highly likely that you've found your life partner, with whom you can build a relationship that will last. And no, these four do not appear anywhere on Facebook.

Look for someone who:

1) Has a Higher Commitment
Before you decide to marry someone, make sure that they are fully committed to some kind of objective moral and ethical standard. Whether we realize it or not, everyone has some kind of core value that is central to their personality. And when push comes to shove, that value is going to be the most important thing in the world to that person.

Let's take a couple named Jeff and Mindy, who connected through Facebook and are seriously considering becoming engaged. Jeff's core value is adventure, and he'll do almost anything for a thrill. When he and Mindy start dating he happens to be volunteering in the local ER four times a week. Mindy really admires this and thinks that Jeff is amazing. Well, Mindy, he might be amazing, but he's in the ER because he loves adventure. His adventurous streak happens to be expressing itself in a kind way - but what if that changes all of the sudden? He might begin to do things for adventure that Mindy thinks are wrong, or even immoral. Then what's she going to do?

That's why finding out the other person's core value is so important.

So, how do you figure it out? It's pretty simple. No matter what a person's core value is, you'll see him or her constantly sacrificing for it. So if Jeff's core value is adventure, he might risk an accident in order to speed through an intersection, or come late to work because he was following a police chase. By following him closely, Mindy will see that Jeff places adventure above other things on his list of priorities.

But if Jeff's core value is goodness, is helping others, then Mindy will see him sacrifice for that. He'll come late to work because he helped an old lady home with her groceries; he'll let the other guy cross the intersection first even though it was his turn.

So the first deal-breaker is to make sure that the person you're thinking of marrying is deeply committed to a higher set of values that you appreciate.

2) Treats Others Courteously
You obviously want to marry someone who is going to treat you well. But how can you tell? This is even easier than #1. When you're with this person, pay attention to how they treat other people whom they're not trying to charm. Do they say thank you to people like gas station attendants and bank tellers? Are they courteous to waiters and ushers? Or do they let the parking attendant have it for taking a bit too long to bring the car? Do they drive aggressively, as though they own the road? Ask yourself these questions and similar ones, and take note of the answers - because these characteristics are going to come out down the line. They show the real persona - the one you'll discover after you're married.

3) Has Good Communication Skills
In other words, communication skills (something difficult to appreciate over the Internet!). Make sure that you are both on the same wavelength, so that you don't enter a relationship that is replete with frequent disagreements that later turn out to be misunderstandings. You don't need that headache. Although minor misunderstandings can always occur, check to make sure that they are relatively infrequent - because after marriage, arguments can absolutely ruin the atmosphere in the house.

4) Is Attractive to You
Physical attraction is the one, essential aspect of marriage that you might think Facebook portrays accurately. Think again. People are not always the same in real life as they are in the photos on their page. While sometimes the person may be much better looking in life than in a still, many times it works the opposite way. If this happens, and you find yourself disappointed in your date's physical appearance, don't make any premature decisions. Often, as a relationship develops, the person's looks may "grow" on you, and you will find them very attractive. This is especially true when the relationship is based on these four factors.

So as you're clicking around, keep these four deal breakers in mind. They are the key to finding and building a beautiful, warm loving relationship that will outlast any interest or hobby -even Fall Out Boy -and even Facebook.

The Pretty Woman Lie | 10 Stupid Things You Shouldn't Say On a Date Quiz | Relationships Require Patience | Avoid the 5 Dating Pitfalls | The Dirty Dancing Love Lie | more articles »
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